writing never takes the place of living

at the bottom.

2009-08-13T11:11:00.001-07:00

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

Brand New's latest single "At The Bottom" off of their soon-to-be-released record Daisy, in stores September 22, 2009.

reason #73 that i love Dimples

2009-07-16T15:44:00.001-07:00

Hayden:
well, i have tomorrow off! wanna get lunch?
i just meeeeeeeees youuuuu

Lindsay:
can i let you know tomorrow? just depends what my schedule is like
it's kinda crazy
but more than likely YES
because i miss you x43280948230498029342

Hayden:
that's like
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
to the thousandth power...

Lindsay:
... and it's the truth!

ESFJ

2009-06-02T15:00:00.003-07:00

ESFJ. That's what the Myers-Briggs test that I took thanks to a link from Nicholas Scimeca's blog. I found that I'm an ESJF - "Seller," the most socialable of all types. Go figure! :) 12.3% of the population share my social butterfly status. (Is that U.S. or world population, MB?)

Traits:
Organized
Loyal
Can be depended on to follow things through to completion
Enjoy creating order, structure and schedules
Enjoy interacting with people
Warm-hearted and sympathetic
Tend to put others' needs above their own
Very good at giving practical care
Very cooperative, good team members
Practical and down-to-earth
Value peaceful living and security
Enjoy variety, but work well with routine tasks
Receive satisfaction from giving to others
Live in the here and now - dislike theorizing about the future

So. There that is. :)

@crafmastere & @alarmvsme

2009-04-07T14:32:00.003-07:00

me: um this is me and Vizion, he always called me his mormon crush haha... he was head of publicity/promotions for warped: http://bit.ly/9D4f
me: i had the biggest crush in the world on that dude
me: whoooa lindsay with black hair (and some blonde streaks... and the whole under part was fire engine red)
erica: hahaha I totally did that shit too. what were we thinking
me: it was before we realized it's cooler to be part of the scene without being OF the scene hahaha and looking like you try hella hard
erica: hella hard
me: i just said "hella" for effect hahahaha
erica: hahaha
erica: Now I just have black hair, black nails and red lipstick and Beth thinks that I look like Brody from the Distillers. ha
me: I just had to google wtf that is haha... and no, you're prettier. much much prettier.
erica: I am so metal it hurts
me: now i'm just blonde, wish my whole wardrobe was anthropologie and like the color purple.
me: i was telling grant the other night how we're basically the same person while being polar opposites haha
erica: you and grant or you and me hahaha
me: you and me haha
erica: ;)

airport etiquette

2009-02-16T17:07:00.005-07:00

Currently sitting in the Detroit airport, en route from Columbus, OH back home to Salt Lake City. For as often as I fly, you'd think I'd have earned myself some free flights by now, right? Negative ghostwriter (it took me a while to get down with frequent flyer miles, and by a while, I mean until like 8 months ago). But in the past seven (7) years of regularly flying back and forth between the east and west coasts (and subsequently north and south regions of this beautiful country of ours), I have learned a thing or two about airport etiquette. Allow me to expand upon my acquired knowledge...

1. Always take your coat off before you get to security. It takes 2 seconds in line, saves about 5-7 seconds at the security table and makes the people behind you much happier!
2. Wear shoes that are easy to take off/put on. Again, this makes security checks a much smoother process and who wants to wait in those lines any longer than actually necessary?
3. Never sit next to someone in the terminal when there are open seats. Seriously, who does this?! Give space and keep space.
4. Help other passengers put their crap in overhead bins. If you're a capable young person, always help the old people, those vertically challenged among us and, the people carting around multiple children put their stuff in the overhead bins before take off and out after landing. Not only will this help with boarding/deplaning speeds, but it makes for happy and grateful co-passengers!
5. If you know someone tall is sitting behind you, don't recline your seat. I'm only 5'7", but as a female, my legs are as long as my brother's who is 6'4". I understand minimal leg room as well as the next tall dude. You may or may not have minimal space yourself, but stop being a selfish jerk and keep your seat upright.
6. Don't turn your headphones/earbuds/laptop up so loud that the person sitting next to you can hear it. This is both an etiquette tip and for your own personal health and safety. Do you want to be able to hear by the time you're 40? Yeah, I thought so.
7. If you're sitting in a window seat, hold it. You got a window seat for the view or the wall to sleep against or some selfish reason, right? So there's your one point to be selfish. If you have to pee, hold it, especially if the people in the middle and aisle seats are asleep. Don't be a jerk, you're not 7 years old or a preggo lady with a bladder problem. Use your hands if you have to but, hold it.
8. Don't leave trash in the seat pocket in front of you. You wouldn't leave that crap in your friends car - ok, on second thought, maybe you would - but don't leave it on the plane. Disposing if your cups, magazines, newspapers, bottles, wrappers, etc. in the little bags the flight attendants so dutifully walk up and down the aisle with helps to maximize efficiency and speed up the process of turning over the plane from an arriving flight to a departing flight.
9. If you've reached your final destination, sit tight. I've definitely had to run through the airport to catch a connecting flight and let me tell you, it's not fun. Just stay put in your seat and let those passengers who have yet to reach their final destintations deplane first, even if their connecting flight doesn't leave for an hour or more. It takes a few minutes for your luggage to get to baggage claim anyway, so sit tight and you'll be off soon enough.
10. Upon deplaning, always always always thank the flight attendants and pilots. Not only did they just get you from one place to another a heck of a lot faster than you could have yourself, but you were just at 30,000 feet and lived to tell about it. Be vocally grateful.

I've got my Starbucks in hand (always the first stop when i get through security, no matter what) and I'm about to board. Goodbye Detroit!

Update on Mikey!

2008-12-07T23:07:00.004-07:00

And it's a happy one. Watch :)

Confessions

2008-10-21T21:18:00.005-07:00

I want a man who I can confess to that I only have Neutral Milk Hotel on my iTunes because it's one of Jesse Lacey's favorite bands. And if he doesn't know who Jesse Lacey is, Jesse Lacey just happens to be the man behind my favorite band. I've listened to Neutral Milk Hotel a handful of times, like a few songs okay, but can't get into the rest of it. I keep the music there simply because it's one of the favorite bands of my favorite band.

And I want that man to find that endearing, not dumb.

Nice to meet you...

2008-10-19T15:12:00.002-07:00

I "met" someone for the first time last week that I've known for over two years. In that time span, I've given him a place to sleep and shower, a few passing hugs and the careless "see ya next time" as he would once again roll out of town with his best friends who just happen to be a few of my best friends.

This person was so scared of disappointing the girl he loved that he failed to make lasting connections, even strictly platonic, with any other female he met. I realize his respect and love for her, but I also hope he realizes the years of relationships he's missed out on.

Car rides brought us closer last week, allowed me to see the genuine, ultra-sensitive, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, selfless, pained person that he is. We shared a few scars, our stories, some dumb mistakes and some laughs (mostly from me when I was half asleep). We shared ourselves. I know I'm not the only person who has gotten to know him recently because of the pain he's had to endure - the six years of his life that he's still recovering from - but I'm grateful to know this man; to know his heart, his spirit, his faith, his story.

If we never have another week like that again in our friendship, at least I know that he knows that I care. I know that just by listening, by igniting that friendship at the right point in time - the kind of friendship that we've never been able to have - that I helped him. I see such a change on the horizon. And just to let him know that someone was there after waiting for so long to be let in... it's hope. And I hope that the change he needs in his life is something he found in me and will find in all the connections he's able to make for the next six years.

"I realize that no change will ever come unless we involve our lives in the lives of others. Unless we get to know people by their names, their stories and their struggles, change will never take place. The right decision, I believe, is allowing people to make the right decision for themselves and to be there to help them through the process, to be their community."

The best park ever is in my own backyard!

2008-10-07T22:58:00.005-07:00

Earlier today I told Sierra she was free to join me when I was going to meander around Liberty Park with my camera. I came to the park yesterday with Christi Bagwell and found so many photo opportunities that I just knew I had to come back the next day with the good digital SLR camera I borrow from my office sometimes!

I'm so blessed to have such beauty less than 2 blocks from my house. I didn't take proper advantage of it over the summer, so I'm trying to make up for it for this fall before it gets too cold!

I love the one of Sierra on the ferris wheel, it was definitely my favorite of the entire evening! That photo and few of my other favorite photos can be found below & the rest can be found on my Facebook by clicking this link.

THE Lance

2008-09-28T20:37:00.005-07:00

Every year the sister company of the company I work for handles media relations for the Interbike OutDoor Demo & Expo in Las Vegas. I had the chance to go last year and really dip my feet into the HUGE world of cycling, and this year was no different. I spent the last week surrounded by the greatest innovations in cycling, accompanied by a few of the greatest athletes in the world, some top notch journalists and big names in the industry.

Among those star athletes was Lance Armstrong. He's as kind in person as you'd expect, though very much a man who puts off a persona of demanding respect. We held a press conference on Thursday morning as he announced more information about his return to cycling. But before that, I had the chance to photograph him as he raced in the CrossVegas 08 cyclocross race on Wednesday night. It was amazing trying to capture such intensity in a single frame, but I got one great shot that I loved. And apparently a bunch of other people did, as well. The photo below got picked up by a handful of international publications! Makes a girl feel pretty good ;)

Might be a quarter-life crisis...

2008-09-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

Emily turned 25 today! Breakfast at Park Cafe (best!), shopping at Urban and Nordstrom, thai for dinner, arcade with a slue of our closest friends, and after-party at my place with ice cream cake, big balls, Boyz II Men sing-a-longs, running down the middle of the street in the middle of the night, lots of obnoxious yelling and true friends. I'm pretty sure our neighbors are going to disown us.

Getting ready before we went out for din-din (somehow Topgun snuck in at the end!):

Survey asks, "Do you have hot neighbors?"
Sherry says, "We are the hot neighbors."

So beautiful and only 23...

2008-08-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sherry's birthday was Friday! I took the day off work to get her car windows tinted (surprise!) and then we spent the day shopping and getting our nails and toes did. What she thought was just going to be a night out with the Topgun turned into her "Skate & Surf" themed surprise party!

Highlights of the night included:

Best girl friends shot, ATizzle decided to come up and jingle his keys behind the Topgun taking the photo -- made us all laugh. A LOT

The birday girl & her man (who def. was a huge part in making it all happen! Thx Topgun!)

This is what you do with leftover cake and a drunk Nick!

Aside from ATizzle shoving half of a cake in Nick's face, he also punched him in the ear. Also, Nick ate it hardcore on the tile floor (which, to his defense, was covered in water after the water fight broke out) and was very interested in cheese in glass jars and. monoglycerides.

Happy birthday, Sher!! To my best friend, my roommate, my show friend and my sister in every meaning but blood... I love you!

the magical park

2008-08-03T22:16:00.002-07:00

scrib is always my default friendate.

fave shot from the magic park photo shoot (the contrasting ghosts of dimples and scrib)

I feel like I'm in Alice in Wonderland...

2008-07-25T15:15:00.001-07:00

Hi from the Hotel Monaco in Denver... my favorite city in this entire country.

I love my life, my family, my faith, my friends, my boys and how freakin' happy I am with all of the aforementioned right now. Life is so so good. Ran into some boys tonight that I know from Salt Lake that are in The Almost at the 16th Street Mall. So random. They're playing Denver Sunday night and then Monday night in Salt Lake... as much a home town show for them as playing a Florida show, seeing as half of them live in SLC now.

I'm missing their show, (un?)fortunately, to go Kanye, Rihanna, Lupe Fiasco and N.E.R.D. Dude... I'm SO STOKED to see Rihanna and Kanye, you don't even know.

Sherry and I are moving more downtown this month. We just signed a lease on a cute apartment and we're getting rid of crazy roommates and just moving in together. It'll be amaaaazing. So stoked to be closer to downtown and all our friends.

Anyway, I'm in Denver (my favorite city in the USA, did I mention that?) so I'm going to go play. My favorite friends from South Carolina (well, Patrick might actually be my favorite, but let's not get all technical here!) are playing the Soiled Dove Underground tomorrow night. Miss those boys, miss doing merch(?). Haha! I have a good feeling about this Denver trip...

Love all of you a lot a lot.

Random mid-day thought.

2008-07-11T15:00:00.001-07:00

I just had this thought: if you were to name a child Friday, everyone should auto love her because it's most people's favorite day.

Chew on that!

My little bro's all grown up!

2008-06-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

I flew to NJ for a long weekend for my little dude's (all 6'4" of him!) high school graduation. WOWZA! my little boy's all grown up. Mikey is, hands down, my favorite person on the face of the planet. I never would know the type of love that I do without that kid. He literally saved my life when I was 17 and I'm so grateful for his presence in my life.

Because of all his medical stuff, my mom really had to work with his teachers and guidance counselor to get him through to graduation. But the little dude did it and I'm so proud. It's still up in the air whether or not he'll be joining me in Utah for school in the fall yet, only the doctors and more tests have those answers. All I know is I'm so proud and I love that kid with everything that I have inside of me.

The immediate fam (minus the jerk brother-in-law & the amazing sister-in-law) -- putcha stunna shades on.

Happy birthday, Mom

2008-04-11T00:12:00.000-07:00

It was amazing, when I was flying back here Sunday night the big and little dipper looked like they were right out my window as I was taking off. They were huge, so close. and I felt so small. It made me so incredibly happy just to be reminded that everything out there is much bigger than any small flaw in my life. It gave me hope in a way.

I feel ALIVE today. I've been doing some soul-searching, spending time mending my relationship with God and really applying the principals I want to live my life by. I used to be this passionate, compassionate, innocent, bright, hopeful person. I lost that somewhere and I feel it coming back. I see it around me, I see it everything; I want to be so much more than this.

I am brilliant in a way that I haven't in ages. I'm embracing it and running with it and not turning back.

Be vulnerable, but stay away from where it hurts.

2008-03-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Mr. Mayer has spoken:

"This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.

I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.

And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, 30 sounds about right.

What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.

Root for others.

Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.

Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.

And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.

I'm going quiet now."

And today is my sister's 29th birthday.
Happy birthday, Helga.
Love, Olga.

Wake up, shake up, wake the sun

2008-03-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, something will surprise me. And lately, I've been floored at the talent that comes from the people in my life I am blessed to call friends (artistically, creatively, musically).

That said, The Matches have a new record, A Band in Hope, coming out next Tuesday and it's flawless. Matty forked it over when we were in Las Vegas last month and it's been on a pretty constant rotation since (alongside Eisley's Combinations, mostly... still can't get over that record). These songs are something that's so new for them, yet they're still so true to themselves and their talent. AND I SWEAR IF ANYONE COMPARES THEM TO COBRA STARSHIP AGAIN...

Anyway! They shot a video for 'Wake The Sun.'

Mikey 4 President!

2008-03-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

Never in my entire life have I been this proud to call one person, much less a group of seven dudes, my friend.

Please watch the following clip & die laughing with me:

Sherwood Show 10

never ever ever give up.

2008-02-25T15:40:00.001-07:00

you may not have ever heard of randy pausch, but i hadn't either until recently. he was a professor at carnegie-mellon. he holds a PhD. he was an imagineer for disney. he's a husband. he's a father to 3 young children. he's 46 years old. he has pancreatic cancer, and he's dying.

i don't know if most of you have heard about his last lecture to more than 400 students packed into one hall, or what the wall street journal called "the lecture of a lifetime," but it is beautiful. at its least, the word inspiring comes to mind.

the whole 10+ part series can be found on youtube just by searching his name, but he recapped the lecture in 10 minutes on oprah and this is what i choose to share.

don't give up. ever.

Cover shoot! :)

2008-02-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

Hallmark shmallmark

2008-02-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

"You don't need to be in love on valentine's day... you just need to have love!"
Just another day, but as long as it's dedicated to love specifically... I love you :)

28 is too young...

2008-01-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

This is how I'll always remember him.

Sleep sweetly, brilliant boy.

all the meaning in our moment

2007-12-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's all about finding meaning in the simplest, seemingly meaningless moments.

==============================================

Last night I was at my friend Emily's father's house for Sunday dinner. The food was wonderful, her family was wonderful (as always), and I got to spend some quality time with her little 13 month old nephew, Jackson (which is sometimes the most wonderful, who doesn't love a precious little kid?).

He often wanders off to do his own thing, to see what all is going on with everyone. He's independent and definitely marches to his own beat, seems like he's in his own little world half the time. He walks quite well, almost stumbles sometimes (who doesn't?), but is a resilient little one. His great grandmother had made some comment to someone else and he was standing so close by her that when he went to look up to follow the voice, he craned his neck back too far to look up at her face and fell backward.

His little, not completely stable, frame toppled over because he was looking up so high. He shrugged it off and kept on his little adventure around the house jingling the red Christmas bell.

I took a lesson from watching him stumble while trying to look up, and that's what it's all about. We are constantly looking down or at eye level -- seeing everything as it is and not moving toward what it could be. It's easy to do. To not face things, to hide your face from the potential positives and when we keep looking down or simply looking straight on into what we have, what we are and where we are, life is at a standstill.

Looking up, it takes guts and it takes pushing ourselves to search for the things we're after-- just like he was searching for where that voice came from. And sometimes, like little Jackson did, we'll stumble and topple over. And maybe we'll feel embarrassed and maybe we'll cry over it and maybe it'll even be seemingly impossible to bounce back from-- but it is possible, it is always possible. It's a choice we have to consciously make. What's the point in anything if we're at such a standstill that we can't even look up because we're too scared to move from where we are?

If Jackson, at 13 months old, can literally look up without the fear of toppling over, then who's to say that any of us should be afraid? That little boy's innate courage (subconscious at best) was such a lesson to me of reaching.

Add another notch to my faith in moving forward in life -- in all aspects -- with unfailing confidence.

Dear Lindsay 5 years from now...

2007-11-29T12:51:00.001-07:00

Note to self: you love the name Emery for a girl. It stems from the combination of Sherry and Emily. Go ahead, love it. Not more than Kate, but love it. It's up there.

Jack for your first boy is key. It's strong, bold, proud, rugged, fierce, kind.

meredith moments in life.

2007-10-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

"sometimes it takes that-- sometimes it takes the final straws and rock bottoms of life to really realize what damages us and what we need to break free from. we all hit that bottom at some point. rock bottom is a different depth for every person, but when we hit it-- we know it. and some people just fall deeper into nothing and some people decide its time to climb back out-- we're climbers. me and you, we're climbers. you're so much bigger than this. and i'm grateful that you're seeing that."

(to melissa 10/23/07)

slap in the face/note to self

2007-10-18T02:19:00.000-07:00

"In those crucial moments of pivotal personal history [we must] submit ourselves to God even when all our hopes and fears may tempt us otherwise. We must be willing to place all that we have — not just our possessions…but also our ambition and pride and stubbornness and vanity — on the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." -- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

extremely loud & incredibly close

2007-08-31T19:31:00.000-07:00

"That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war." (1)

"Even though it was incredibly sad day, she looked so, so beautiful. I kept trying to figure out a way to tell her that, but all of the ways I thought were weird and wrong. She was wearing the bracelet that I made for her, and that made me feel like one hundred dollars." (7)

"Can't you even tell me if I'm on the right track?" Buckminster purred, and Dad shrugged his shoulders. "But if you don't tell me anything, how can I ever be right?" He circled something in an article and said, "Another way of looking at it would be, how could you ever be wrong?" (9)

"Being with him made my brain quiet. I didn't have to invent anything." pg. 12

"I watched the fireflies of his thoughts orbit his head." (13)

"I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it." pg. (17)

"You look upset, is anything wrong?" I wanted to say, "Of course," I wanted to ask, "Is anything right?" I wanted to pull the thread, unravel the scarf of my silence and start again from the beginning, but instead I said, "I." (17)

"... she cried and cried and cried, there weren't any napkins nearby, so I ripped the page from my book -- I don't speak. I'm sorry -- and used it to dry her cheeks, my explanation and apology ran down her face like mascara..." (31)

"I asked my schoolmate Mary to write a letter to me. She was funny and full of life. She liked to run around her empty house without any clothes on, even once she was too old for that. Nothing embarrassed her. I admired that so much, because everything embarrassed me, and that hurt me. She loved to jump on her bed. She jumped on her bed for so many years that one afternoon, while I watched her jump, the seams burst. Feathers filled the room. Our laughter kept the feathers in the air. I thought about birds. Could they fly if there wasn't someone, somewhere laughing?" (78)

"I have no need for the past, I thought..." (78)

"Their length could not be measured in years, just as an ocean could not explain the distance we had traveled, just as the dead can never be counted." (81)

"I wanted to run away from him, and I wanted to go to him.
I went to him." (82)

"It was the first time I had ever made love. I wondered if he knew that. It felt like crying." (84)

"I told her, "Humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion, wages war, and kisses with lips. So in a way, the more you kiss with lips, the more human you are."" (99)

"I like to see people reunited, maybe that's a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone, I sit on the side with a coffee and write in my day book..." (109)

""There's nothing wrong with not understanding yourself," she saw through the shell of me into the center of me." (113)

"I hated myself for going. Why couldn't I be the kind of person who stays?" (114)

"I further convinced myself that she had thought badly of me, or worse, she hadn't thought of me at all." (116)

"We stopped laughing, I took the world into me, rearranged it, and sent it back out as a question: "Do you like me?"" (117)

"... she wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet..." (130)

"... I was missing her already, I wasn't having second thoughts, but I was having thoughts..." (132)

"I felt, that night, on stage, under that skull, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?" (145)

""There are more places you haven't heard of than you've heard of!" I loved that." pg. (154)

"It's not a horrible world," he told me, putting a Cambodian mask on his face, "but it's filled with a lot of horrible people!"" (156)

"What if the water that came out of the shower was treated with a chemical that responded to the combination of things, like your heartbeat, and your body temperature, and your brain waves, so that your skin changed color according to your mood? If you were extremely excited your skin would turn green, and if you were angry you'd turn red, and obviously, is you felt like shiitake you'd turn brown, and if you were blue you'd turn blue.
Everyone could know what everyone else felt, and we could be more careful with each other, because you'd never want to tell a person whose skin was purple that you're angry at her for being late, just like you would want to pat a pink person on the back and tell him, "Congratulations!"" (163)

"I missed you even when I was with you. That's been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surrounded myself with things that are missing." (174)

"I never confused what I had with what I was." (174)

"The water was gray with all of his days." (180)

"Not worn out, but worn through. Like one of those wives who wakes up one morning and says I can't bake any more bread." (180)

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." (180)

"Touching him was always so important to me. It was something I lived for. I could never explain why. Little, nothing touches. My fingers against his shoulder. The outside of our thighs touching as we squeezed together on the bus. I couldn't explain it, but I needed it. Sometimes I imagined stitching all of our little touches together. How many thousands of fingers brushing against each other does it to make love." (181)

"I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live, Oskar. Because if I were able to live my life again, I would do things differently." (184)

"It's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss." (208)

""The boy asked the girl to say 'I love you' into her can, giving her no further explanation.
"And she didn't ask for any, or say "That's silly," or 'We're too young for love,' or even suggest that she was saying 'I love you' because he asked her to. Instead she said 'I love you.' The words traveled the yo-yo, the doll, the diary, the necklace, the quilt, the clothesline, the birthday present, the harp, the tea bag, the tennis racket, the hem of the skirt he one day would have pulled from her body... The boy covered his can with a lid, removed it from the string, and put her love for him on a shelf in his closet. Of course, he never could open the can, because then he would lose its contents. It was enough just to know it was there."" (220)

""...The gavels of frozen judges are frozen between guilt and innocence. On the ground are the crystals of the frozen first breaths of babies, and those of the last gasps of the dying. On a frozen shelf, in a closet frozen shut, is a can with a voice in it."" (223)

"Time was passing like a hand waving from a train that I wanted to be on." pg. 224

"We all rode in the limousine together. I could not stop touching you. I could not touch you enough. I needed more hands." (232)

"I looked at everyone and wondered where they came, and who they missed, and what they were sorry for." (247)

"She said, "I know about this building because I love this building." That gave me heavy boots, because it reminded me of the lock that I still hadn't found, and how until I found it, I didn't love Dad enough. "What is it about this building?" Mr Black asked. She said, "If I had an answer, it wouldn't really be love, would it?" (251)

"I broke my life down into letters, for love I pressed "5, 6, 8, 3," for death, "3, 3, 2, 8, 4,"when the suffering is subtracted from the joy, what remains? What, I wondered, is the sum of my life?" (269)

"... it broke my heart into more pieces than my heart was made of, why can't people say what they mean at the time?" (279)

"... I want an infinitely long blank book and the rest of time..." (279)

"Poor child, telling everything to a stranger, I wanted to build walls around him, I wanted to separate inside from outside, I wanted to give him an infinitely long blank book and the rest of time..." (280)

"I wanted to touch him, to tell him that even if everyone left everyone, I would never leave him, he talked and talked, his words fell through him, trying to find the floor of his sadness..." (280)

"Or I would have told him about how Dad called when I was home. But I didn't know, just like I didn't know it was the last time Dad would ever tuck me in, because you never know." (286)

"I liked watching the baby make fists. I wondered if he could have thoughts, or if he was more like a nonhuman animal." (287)

""I wanted to hurt him." "Why?" "Because he had hurt me." "Why?" "Because people hurt each other. That's what people do." "It's not what I do." "I know."" (290)

"I wonder if your posters and my mom's posters were ever close to each other." (299)

"In my dream, painters separated green into yellow and blue.
Brown into the rainbow.
Children pulled color from coloring books with crayons, and mothers who had lost children mended their black clothing with scissors. I think about all of the things I've done, Oskar. And all of the things I didn't do. The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did." (309)

"I wanted to be with him.
Or anyone.
I don't know if I've ever loved your grandfather.
But I've loved not being alone.
I got very close to him.
I wanted to shout myself into his ear.
I touched his shoulder.
He lowered his head." (309)

"And how can you say I love you to someone you love?
I rolled onto my side and fell asleep next to her.
Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you, Oskar.
It's always necessary.
I love you,
Grandma" (314)

"It was so dark that it was even hard to hear." (319)

"I wondered how many things had died since the first thing was born. A trillion? A googolplex?" (319)

""Life is scarier than death."" (322)

"I cried some more. I wanted to tell her all of the lies that I'd told her. And then I wanted her to tell me that it was OK, because sometimes you have to do something bad to do something good." (324)

"I felt in the space between the bed and the wall, and found Stuff That Happened To Me. It was completely full. I was going to have to start a new volume soon. I read that it was the paper that kept the towers burning. All of those notepads, and Xeroxes, and printed e-mails, and photographs of kids, and books, and dollar bills in wallets, and documents in files... all of them were fuel. Maybe if we lived in a paperless society, which lots of scientists say we'll probably live in one day soon, Dad would still be alive. Maybe I shouldn't start a new volume." (325)

i believe...

2007-02-19T05:16:00.001-07:00

i believe that making a difference is possible and i believe we all have it in us.

i believe that one person can make a difference because even if you're making the difference in the life of "only" one person, that person will pass on that part of his or her life to everyone he or she meets, all the friends he or she touches and all the family that will progress from that point forward.

i believe in a thing called love (just listen to the rhythm of my heart.... seriously).

i believe that i was put on this earth with purpose and reason and i'll do anything i have to do, regardless of whether i WANT to or whether i know it's something i HAVE to do, to make sure i live up to that purpose and fulfill my potential.

i believe that raising and teaching a child is the most valuable legacy i can ever leave and i plan on doing that. when it's right. i believe that's what i was made for, and call me crazy, but what greater power can you have than creating life? what greater reward can you receive than knowing you helped to creat this tiny little person that will go on to live a life that you helped mold for them? what greater love can come from a child?... or innocence?... or wonder? what could ever be more important or more rewarding?

i believe that healing is possible, that redemption is just and that we have the ability to grow from the things in our life that try to weigh us down. i want to be as tall as a tree. always ten feet tall.

i believe that the burdens in our lives are nothing but just that -- burdens -- and i don't believe that taking your life, the most precious gift you've ever been given, is brave. i believe that facing life is brave, that coming face to face with the demons that haunt you is brave. i believe that learning and moving on is brave. i believe in being brave.

i believe that we're in the place we are at the time we are for a reason and that we're never put somewhere that we'll be challenged too much... i believe we're never given more than we can handle.

i believe that i am heaven sent (don't you dare forget).

i believe that there's a life after this one and that i will be blessed for the live i've led, for the choices i have made and will make, and i believe that i'll have to face to the consequences of the problems i may not have resolved. i know that's fair.

i believe in you (even if no one understands, i believe in you).

i believe that surface relationships are the reason there is so much hatred in this world and i believe that if we really got down to it, we all just really want the same thing and have the same goals (okay, there are some exceptions) and that peace is possible. i'm not a dreamer and i'm not naive and i'm not uneducated on the world... i honestly believe that.

i believe that taking time out of your own day to make someone else's better, makes us better.

i believe in a plan of happiness.

i believe that we chose a family that fits us, regardless of the family dynamic, and that blood is thicker than water.

i believe that my sister will make the right decisions one day.

i believe that you might not be a perfect hand, but i don't hit on 19... and if you don't get that, then you haven't listened to enough john mayer in your life and you better start.

i believe that i have the most perfect roommate for me right now and that we were brought together because we needed each other at this point, to grow and learn and teach each other in such different ways than we ever imagined.

i believe that families can be together forever.

i believe that every decision we make in life is a choice and that we have no one to blame but ourselves (there are exceptions to this, too) and in taking responsibility for our own actions and living up to the consequences and benefits that follow those decision (this was a choice, this was never a mistake).

i believe in God.

i believe that modern medicine is just miracles in the form of machines and if we really took the time to look around at everything and realize that it's not just science, that it's a gift, the world would be a lot more beautiful.

i believe that i'm never alone.

i believe that writing down the events of our lives, much like history books, will help us to go and look back when we need direction in our lives so that we don't make the same mistakes again... and sometimes we repeat the past, but at least -- hopefully -- we will be better for it.

i believe that my family is the single greatest group of people on this earth and that i can't wait to be given the opportunity to create my own to further branch out that greatness.

i believe that taking a photo is not creating a memory, but that it is capturing life.

i believe in prayer and the power that it has to comfort and to guide and direct our lives.

i believe that happiness is a choice we make everyday of our lives and i choose happiness.

i believe in the faith that people say they have in me and i believed you when you said i deserve more... i'll find more, i know i will.

i believe that my mother is the single most brilliant, generous, infectious, caring, giving, stubborn, intelligent, beautiful, funny, random, mother there ever could be... and i bet you think about your mom too... but when people tell me i'm just like my mom, i take it as the greatest compliment.

i believe that he really loved me.

i believe that prayers are answered in the form of friends, words, phone calls, myspace messages, heat, that perfect song that you hear exactly when you need it, and french vanilla hot chocolate.

i believe a book or song or band can change your life.

i believe that there is so much more than here and so much more than now and that so much more will lead me to the places i'm going and that i'll find the things i need along the way.

i believe in myself.

love is a mix tape

2007-02-11T21:37:00.001-07:00

"Tonight, I feel like my whole body is made out of memories. I'm a mix tape, a cassette that's been rewound so many times you can hear the fingerprints smudged on the tape." (12)

"It's a fundamental human need to pass music around, and however the technology evolves, the music keeps moving." (24)

"Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and t hey add up to the story of your life." (26)

"... she was a real people pleaser. She worried way too much what people thought of her, wore her heart on her sleeve, expected too much from people, and got hurt too easily. She kept other people's secrets like a champ, but told her own too fast. She expected the world not to cheat her and was always surprised when it did." (67)

"We were just a couple of fallen angels, rolling the dice of our lives." (80)

"What if we just decide not to fall apart? What if we decide not to wait to see what happens, but instead decide what we want to happen and then decide how to make it happen?" (81)

"'I only really want you for your rock and roll'." (94)

"This was the greatest band ever, obviously. And they didn't live twenty years ago, or ten years ago, or five years ago. They were right now. They were ours." (95)

"The new wave girls scams on other people's identities, mixing and matching until she comes up with a style of her own, knowing that nothing belongs to her, that she just gets to wear it until somebody comes along with faster fingers to snatch it away." (137)

"On the way we talked about the road sign BRIDGE FREEZES BEFORE ROAD. I always wondered, If that's a problem, why don't they just build the bridge out of the same stuff they use to build the road? Drema explained that the bridge isn't made out of different material than the road, but that the bridge ice quicker because it's alone, hanging there without the land under it to keep it warm." (147)

"I was surrounded by friends and family who wanted to help, but I was too frozen to admit how much I needed it." (155)

"I had no voice to talk with because she was my whole language." (156)

"You lose a kind of innocence when you experience this type of kindness. You lose your right to be a jaded cynic. You can no longer go back through the looking glass and pretend not to know what you know about kindness. It's a defeat, in a way." (164)

"Kindness is a scarier force than cruelty, that's for sure." (166)

"Human benevolence is totally unfair. We don't live in a kind or generous world, yet we are kind and generous. We know the universe is out to burn us, and it gets us all the way it got Renee, but we don't burn each other, not always. We are kind peole in an unkind world, to paraphrase Wallace Stevens. How do you go back to acting like you don't need it? How do you even the score and walk off a free man? You can't. I found myself forced to let go of all sorts of independence I thought I had, independence I had spent years trying to cultivate. That world wasall gone, and now I was a supplicant, dependent on the mercy of other people's psychic hearts.
I was awed and ruined by this knowledge. Renee knew it all the time; I was learning it these days." (167)

"The way I pictured it, all this grief would be like a winter night when you're standing outside. You'll warm up once you get used to the cold. Except after you've been out there a while, you feel the warmth draining out of you and you realize t he opposite is happening; you're getting colder and colder, as the body heat you brought outside with you seeps out of your skin. Instead of getting used to it, you get weaker the longer you endure it. I was trying so hard to be strong. I knew how to go out, how to stay in, how to get things done, but that was it." (173)

"I didn't want to have these experiences, didn't want to run into living things that reminded me of the past, I would have to hide under a rock-- except that would remind me of the past, too, so I try not to hide. What shocks me is that the present is alive." (217)

new brand new.

2006-11-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

FYI: everything in italics is what I can't make out.

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face
The kind you’d find on someone that could save
If they don’t put me away
Well, it’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you’re missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night’s hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive, I won’t know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did You do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after…
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and pull apart?
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And this ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates, does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know You’ll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to pull my life together
I know that You think I’m someone You can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail You back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it’s You and that it’s over, so I won’t even try

I know you’re coming for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hate factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hate factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Archers

Who do you carry the torch for, my young man?
Do you believe in anything?
Do you carry it around just to burn things down?

Meet me tonight on the turnpike, my darling
Cause we believe in everything
If we sweat all these debts then we’re sure to drown
So we’ll strap ourselves up to this engine now
We look hard and we found a way into the backseat.

What did you learn tonight?
Shouting so loud you barely ....... this broken thing
You’re a voice that never sings, is what I say
You were freezing over hell
You were bringing on the end, you do so well
You can only blame yourself, its what I say

All that you’ve got is to ignore the things I was showing
And sweep me under the rug
And a beating with a book everyone with the book tells you to love

There is an ember in the heart of the kiln
And its burning hot with love
Burning out my sins until there’s nothing but dust
Rollin’ me with care into your cigarette
Cause the God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail

What did you learn tonight?
Shouting so loud you barely ....... this broken thing
You’re a voice that never sings, is what I say
You were freezing over hell
You were bringing on the end, you do so well
You can only blame yourself, its what I say

Who do you carry the torch for, my young man?
Do you believe in anything?
Do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?

What did you learn tonight?
Shouting so loud you barely ........ this broken thing
You’re a voice that never sings, is what I say
You were freezing over hell
You were bringing on the end, you do so well
You can only blame yourself, its what I say

Feels like we could escape with our minds
Throwing away the filthy silver sun
If you try running the maze of your lines
It's too hard to save if you’ve thrown out everyone

Not The Sun

Who comes up with technology
So I can turn up your love like some cold machine
Don’t feed me scraps from your bed
I won’t be the stray coming back just to be fed

I’ll be awake
Come and seal my fate, Marie
Just pretend that you want me…

And be my babe
Would you be my babe x7
Be my...

Well, don’t be that note I can’t hold
Well, don’t be the joke that I told and told ‘til it got old
Don’t be that hand ‘round my throat so I can’t breathe
Say you’re my friend, but why won’t you be my family?

If you break
Just don’t tell me

And be my babe
Would you be my babe x14

Would you be my dream...

Tell me you know what I mean
Tell me that you are not the sun
You are not the sun
I’m outside the ..... again
It’s telling me that you are not the sun
You are not the sun

Just pretend that you love me…

To be my babe
Would you be my babe x7

Be my...

Degausser

Goodbye to sleep
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
I’ll take apart your head
Take apart the counting and the flock it has bred

Goodbye to love
Well it’s right that will push you up, right against the wall
Take apart your head
(Right against the wall)
Chew it up and swallow it

You pull back but you’re running
I first slip in the incline
I can’t shake this little feeling
I’ll never get anything right

Goodbye you liar
Well you sipped from the cup
But you don’t own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire

Take apart your head
(Yeah, I wish I could inspire)
Take apart the demons and ________________

Goodbye my love
You pull back but you’re running
Let’s sleep in the incline
I can’t shake this type of feeling
I’ll never say anything right

I’m on my own
I’ll never say anything right
I’m on my own
I’ll never say anything right
I’m on my own
I’ll never say anything right

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say, I don’t mind you under my skin
I’ll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
But when we were made we were set apart
But life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming
The storm is coming, yeah

......... but you’re running
I first slip in the incline
I can’t shake this little feeling
I never did anything right
(I’m on my own)
I never did anything right
(I’m on my own)

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don’t mind you under my skin
I’ll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
Well, you’re my favorite bird and when you sing
I really do wish that you wear my ring
No matter what they say I am still the king
Now the storm is coming
The storm is coming, yeah

Limousine

Hey, it’s your right, get your petals out and lay them in the aisle
Pretend your garden grows; it’s your day to wed
You found your man
He’s drinking up; he’s all American
And he’ll drive
He’s volunteered with grace to end your life

Well tidy up, it’s sad to hope
Leave your shell to us
You explode; you fry a fly
In a tiny boat with old feather oil
The world tilts back and pours and pours and so in satellite,
You tidal wave,
You’re a big surprise
And I’ve one more night to be your mother.

This signal meant to rock
Has made this frequency not strong enough
……………
We will miss you more in time, you’ll get set up
And we will write

So, I agree, yeah, you were right about me
But can I get myself out from underneath this guilt that will crush me
And in the choir, well I saw a saddened sigh
He was bored and tired of my laments
He said ‘I died for you one time, but never again’
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again

Well I love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
No, ‘cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Well, I love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
No, ‘cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

One will love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
No, ‘cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Two will love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Three will love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Four will love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Five will love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Six will love you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Seven loves you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Seven loves you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Seven loves you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

Seven loves you so much
But do me a favor, baby, don’t reply
‘Cause I can dish it out but I can’t take it

i wrote your name and burned it.

2006-10-30T23:18:00.001-07:00

i'm graduating from college in 47 days.

i never thought i'd graduate alone, without someone by my side to travel to a new city with me.

i think the only way that i will ever get out of this place is to physically pick myself up and move.

i've never been so scared to change, to grow, to learn or to run.

i want to run as far as my legs will take me, although i know it is not requisite that i run faster than my legs have speed, i wish they knew how to move with the pace of a leopard or a cheetah or even the wheels of my 2001 pontiac sunfire... at least then just a tank of gas and an oil change would move me from here to there without fear of stalling out or stopping on the side of the road.

i'm trying to get out of here without breaking down.